It's A Certified Miracle Performed By God Himself That The Cubs Have Won 5 Games

I don't want to beat a stuffed buffalo with a pitching wedge but at some point you have to stick your head up the butcher's ass. Or something like that. What I mean is sometimes you have to face the cold hard truth, and today that means the Cubs have to tighten it up starting now. Like, pronto. 

Surprisingly I can have a lot of patience with a baseball team across a baseball season. This has been a learned trait since starting the podcast and having to react in real time to every shitty thing that's happened to the Cubs since winning the World Series. Literally I've been riding shotgun with them on a weekly basis with White Sox Dave trying to decipher everything from Addison Russell to not signing Dexter Fowler back to giving Tyler Chatwood a bag of cash to everything that's happened this offseason. And now this pile of steaming shit start to the year. Thank God I've had enough body blows along the way to just accept the Mortal Kombat fatality style beheading that awaits me. I don't know if I have the strength to fight. 

Maybe I'm being dramatic but it just doesn't make sense me how the Cubs could be DEAD LAST in every single offensive metric. It's easy to complain about Cubs' leadership these days but let me tell you something guys. Nothing compares to hitting .150. I will take a literal Bond villain at the helm of the Cubs, out to deforest most of the remaining Pacific Northwest if it meant we hit above .150. Make no mistake, that's where my attention lies right now. Waking these goddamn bats up. Whatever it takes. 

Follow me on instagram so I don't have to whore myself out like a bad boy.

My biggest gripe though is that the Cubs always win the day before we record to end a losing streak, or the lose to end a winning streak. I'm never in a position going into Red Line to praise them or slam them. It's always so confusing. In the present case I'm so distraught that I almost want to break our shitty folding table and stab Social Media Danny in all of his major arteries with the resulting shards of chemically fabricated wood. On the other hand, we're just 12 games into the season and that could be interpreted as an overreaction.

I guess what I'm trying to say is we're all in this together. Not accomplices to Danny's hypothetical murder but more about the roller coaster Cubs season that's coming our way. Because heart of hearts, you know the middle of the order will get going. I just hope it's not too late in the year to be meaningless. Big stretch of competitive teams on the schedule coming up that we need to survive if this is going to be worth our time. 

This is where we separate the men from the boys. Obviously you know where I stand on the matter: Long season and we're just getting started. Take these 5 wins as a miracle and let's start playing baseball with the big boys.